WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
So gin and wine won't be happening again
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
