I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
