are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Someone signed my nipple.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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