My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
