Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
