I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
