i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
