omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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