the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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