Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
We left the knife in your bed.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
