I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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