Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
