Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
