A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
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