Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
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