I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
