I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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