Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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