every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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