She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
