Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
