My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize