we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Randomize
