I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
It was confusing and full of hummus
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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