Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
