Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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