Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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