guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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