so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
