I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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