and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
