i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
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