Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
