You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
