Are we in a gay sports bar?
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
i think i just naturally attract stoners
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
