In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
