Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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