Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
