I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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