Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
