i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
