I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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