my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
