I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize