Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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