The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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