I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
