the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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