how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
