I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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