Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
