I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
