Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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