there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
