I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
