you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
