I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
