Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Randomize