does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
