I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
