why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
