Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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