The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
