went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
