I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
