note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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