i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
