Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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