So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
