Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
