Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
