so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
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